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Beginning again | N M Browne

Beginning again

 I like new beginnings. As a kid I was always starting new resolutions – ‘from now on I’m going to be…
I was always a mixture of earnest striving to be better and a rather mulish
 ‘quite happy the way I am so bugger off and leave me alone.’  I wanted to be different, ‘better’ but I didn’t really know how to change. I am still the same; the optimist in me still hopes that maybe this time it will be different – this time I really am going to better organised, put away the washing instead of leaving it on the stairs for kids to trip over, tidy my office, do more exercise etc etc. It is galling to realise that in my head I am still seven.
 Anyway now feels like another new beginning a  new ‘from now on’ kind of moment.
My website has disappeared from the ether and though I’ve tried to reinstate it, I have failed. Crazy optimist that I am,  I think that maybe this is an opportunity: maybe I should consign those nine published books, the good reviews, and bad writing advice etc to the dustbin of history and just start again – from today. It is a scary thought but not, I think, a bad one – back list is back list after all and in today’s marketing climate more hindrance than help. Maybe I wipe the slate clean, reinvent myself as a hard working, driven, creative artist focussed on –  I don’t know – whatever proper writers focus on.
 Then earlier I was listening to a piece on ‘Woman’s Hour’ about female artists sacrificing their art for other people. I don’t think that was entirely the tone, but I was only half listening, mooching around in my dressing gown, eating my self indulgent breakfast with extra high chocolate content and added caffeine, ‘Yes, that’s me!’ I thought briefly – ‘A selfless genius too devoted to her kids to allow her creativity to flow.’ Until I remembered that ‘Woman’s Hour’ starts at ten o’clock and my other half left the house at seven this morning to pay the bills that my creative genius never has. It is true however that I have always been a very distracted writer always up for a lunch, a walk in the park, an emergency drive to school to deliver left homework/kit /mouth guards. I haven’t much work to show for my many years at home especially as I am a fast ( too fast?) writer. Perhaps this should change, I should find some self discipline and declare to the world ‘I am a writer – make way for my genius. I am going to write!’ ( I know the world doesn’t actually care, this is bloggish self aggrandisement, please humour me.)
 And finally the real reason for this turning over of leaves is that I am starting a new book. As everyone who writes knows, this is the moment of hope and ambition, of passion and conviction from which point everything is usually down hill. I haven’t much of a clue as to where it is going but I am intrigued. The characters aren’t yet talking but there is something in it which is reeling me in. I am going to work on it really hard from now on…

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